I'm frustrated, and I'm taking it out on the ppl waround me.

I'm sick of going to this fcking shop, I just want to stay at home, and think things over. I've really been depressed, and I just want a chance to go out, to go cycling, to do things that keep my mind off it.

I find it really weird that its been half a year in college now. And yet, I have absolutely no love for anybody in there. I don't feel a connection to them, as if they're just people I know. And its depressing.

I've cried more times these past 6 months than I've ever cried before the past 2 years. Am I really that weak? Its killing me. TO think that I'd end up this lonely. To feel as if the world's ending about me, and I'm the only one left in it.

I've opened up my heart to a bunch of people I loved, and because of that, I'm really hurt now. Tears well up every time I think of them.

I like sleeping now. In my dreams, all I can see is you guys.

Its strange isin't it...that never once I have I dreamed of anybody in my college.

I miss Vincent. I want to laugh at your sohai-ness. I want to be angry at you for being such an annoying idiot. I want to smile as you tell me about Michelle and shit.

I miss Jason. I want to laugh along with everybody else when you get angry. I want to laugh at your bad attempts at English. I want to act afraid when I piss you off. I want to thank you for saving my life last year.

I miss Yong Xin. Actually, I don't. Because I see him everyday, and I love those times we're together.

I miss Wye Lup. I want to laugh and smack your ass, just to see the reaction on your face. I want to laugh at the way you've fallen in love with cats. I want to go mamak with you , to smile whenever I hear you say "Jon".

I miss Eugene. I miss teasing you about Evelyn and Christianity. I want to laugh at the bullshit stories I've heard you tell me a million times. I miss making fun of you, and acting all cold just to see your face.

I miss Foo Zhuk. I miss the feeling I have, the feeling of finally finding someone similar to me. I miss argueing with you. I miss being the only one saying "jesus, your damn sohai" when everybody else is laughing around me.

But i Think I miss myself the most. I miss the way I used to make people laugh, to act as if I needed no one. I miss being the awkward me around girls. I miss laughing, and being all bitchy around them. I miss being the one who never looked for them. I miss being the one who was the friendly one around the lower forms.

I miss my old life too much. I do not think it is a matter of moving on. I just can't seem to fit in with the people around me. Maybe I really am that anti social. But I just can't seem to get along with the present people I know. And I hate that weak part of me.

For so long, I've dreamed of just cycling away. All the way to some distant village. Along with the people I love. I can just enjoy my life there. No more pressures about exams, about making friends. about being mature. Nothing. If only all i knew could just flow away.

I hate this life I'm having right now. I have pressures about exams, about making friends, about having to help at the shop, about having to do something useful in my life.

Why can't they just understand? I don't want any of this. I just want to live the way I used to, to enjoy living day to day. I miss laughing , to being in a group, to even smiling when somebody calls me Jon.

Until then, I've got a year of hell to suffer through. Until then, I'll cycle when I can. To escape everything. I'll hang out with Yong XIn. I don't care anymore whether I can fit in in college. I just want to be happy. If that means not caring about what's happening around me, so be it.

I hate that Koko's so perfect. That he's so smart, that he's so good in sports without trying ,that's he everything a girl would want. That he's so mature, that he's so much more sociable than me, that.......

That he was the one I've always wanted to be.

Its as if somebody had pulled the plug on at the bottom of the basin of my life. As if all the things I used to know flowed away from me. That I'm left empty.

That I'm left crying every day.....

I'm lonely. Won't anybody ever save me?