I'm so fucking frustrated

*Emo post. Don't read, if you're not in the mood to see me frustrated and depressed at the world*

I'm so fucking frustrated right now.

Honestly, I think life really is full of shit sometimes.

For every dream I've achieved, I've failed at 10 others. Everything I've ever wanted , the things that matter most to me, the things that I dream about and smile before I sleep every night. Everything just seems to rush away from me, to run away from my grasp, to jeer at me as I lay exhausted. The things that I hold dear to my heart, the things that I've always wanted, crumble before my eyes. The harder I push to get them, the harder they pull away, desperate to get away from me.

And yet, life's not content at stopping there, is it? I've been given hope so many times, made to feel as if I've finally reached what I've always wanted. As if there would be no more hiding behind facades, no more crying in my dreams, no more hard-fought battles chasing those dreams. And yet, those were and always will be false hopes. Those were the moments where everything around me was so obviously fake, and yet I've deluded myself saying that well, this is all true and its really happening to me. Life pulled a blindfold with sunny pictures on them on me, to make me think that all was well, when in fact all around me were failed dreams and broken fantasies.

When ever I look back at those false hopes, I smile at the memories they held for me. But I'm brought back to reality when I realise just how fake they were, how forced the smiles around me were, how no matter what, I would never reach them. That I would never be able to fully experience what I've always wanted. Not with this facade I have to hide behind to keep my inhibitions and insecurities at bay.

You have no idea how much I want to hold on to you, and tell you not to leave me alone. How much you matter in my life, and how I knew my life would become a dark and lonely place without you. But I can't. The only thing I can do is push you away, when the very thing I need is for you to see through it, and see your reflection in my eyes, and know how much you truly matter.

I've thought that well...if I couldn't succeed in doing anything, the one thing I had success I had in my life so far were the people I had known and loved. And even those seem so far and fake right now. As if the only road I see in front of me is one long and lonely road, filled with potholes and bumps. Obstacles I know I will never pass alone. I look around, but the only people I can see is myself.

What's worse? Living a lie but being happy in your own disillusionment and self trickery, or to face reality's bitter pill but slowly die inside?

Ear food to keep me emo
Poets of the fall - Where do we draw the line
Poets of the fall - Carnival of Rust
Poets of the fall - Lift me higher
A bunch of Malaysian Artistes together - Here in my home

...Signing off.