Haiz

Its strange. I wonder why I had lashed out at Eugene like that.

I felt as if well.....I had enough of it all ya know? That I was angry at him and the rest of the world for not staying in touch. I felt like I wanted to break off everything I had ever known.

Yet......after a while, I sort of realized that it really wasn't his fault. I made up after that.

I just think I'm too scared to go so far. I'm too scared that if I try to break off everything I ever knew, that would be the end of me. That I would really find no more pleasure in living through the days. I was scared that if I had gone too far, when I wanted things to go back to its original state, the damage was irrevocable.

And yet, its strange. Out of all the the people I had loved, the only 2 I didn't have any contact with were Foo and Wye Lup. At least every other one had made an effort to stay in contact (Jason and Eugene online, Vincent through the phone. Yong Xin? You got to be kidding me =)

And I still feel so damn empty again. I realize that even if those two had contacted me, this void I feel inside me still will not be stoppered.

I'm greedy, but I just want all of us to be together again.

I've thought about it at length, and when the striking realization came that nobody else really cared, I fell into depression. Now, whenever I think about it, I just push it away. I feel so empty and numb each time I do this, but I reckon that its better than feeling depressed and frustrated all the time.

I realize now that I've truly became numb. I no longer care that my past has left me, that I'm hopeless in this bleak present I have, and that I'll never be able to stare ahead in to the future. I no longer care that I'm stuck at home, with out contacting anybody else, that I'm not being called out, that I'm just feeling so lonely.

My eyes have teared up countless times these few months. I'm just so...lonely, so sad that things have turned out this way. The only thing I can do when I listen to one more chance is smile. Smile at the irony that I'll never have my last chance.

I'm immersing myself in music, in songs, in cycling, just so I can forget all this lingering pain I have. And it hurts....how long must I suffer before I can accept my current circumstances?

Tohno

I think its so ironic. The more i watch 5 cm, the more things I'm noticing

In the train, Takaki says that whenever he thinks of Akari, he always imagined her being alone. And yet, 10 years later, its him that's all alone.

Its a masterpiece, but I've always wanted to know what happened to Sumida.

Haiz...

When I was looking back at my past blog posts, I realize how happy I had sounded. As if I was having the time of my life. Now? My blog has become this draggy bleak place, sucking the happiness out of everything. I hate it.

I'm so lonely, I feel like crying, and crying until somebody comes to me and holds me until this nightmare is over.

Cheers.