Downward Spiral

Time for another post for my self to read =)

I feel life has just been this big downward spiral lately. I just keep sliding down. When I think I can't go lower any more, a chute opens, and I just keep on falling. No matter how much I try to claw back up, there there's no hand holds for me . Nobody extending a hand to pull me up, just this long tube going down.

I'm so depressed. I feel like crying everytime I think about anything. ....I'm so lonely right now.

I just don't know what I want in life. I've got people like Yong Xin, the only person I could run to when I was really depressed the past few months. He was the one connection I felt I had to the past. And now? Now , I find myself getting annoyed everytime I go out with him. Maybe cause he's boring, or whatever...but I hate myself for acting like this. He's helped me so much, and he` was the one who would stick to me when no one else would. I appreciate whats he done for me, and I think its time I grow up and not judge my friends on how fun they are.

I think deep inside me....the people I want to hang out again wif are Wye Lup, Foo Zhuk, Vincent, Eng Tong, and Yong Xin. Screw Eugene. The asshole seems so detached from us. Haiz...I don't care anymore if I'm not the leader, if they like Wye Lup or Jason or whoever more than me. As much as it hurts to say, it used to matter. But now? I just want to see them once again. I want to smile and laugh, and not feel uneasy doing so.

All this while, I've been horrible at 1 on 1 conversations. I realize now because I'm
always so desperate to impress, I end up feeling really really uneasy and act all weird and shit. I never feel that when I'm with them. For once in my life, I"m not desperate to impress or anything.

I miss that feeling.

I hate being alone all the time nowadays. I just want to nightmare to end, to pull me from my dreams. Back to the place where I felt happy just living my life that way.