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*Warning. Emo post ahead.*

Lately, my life has been full of lonely evenings watching the sun go down near Yong Xin's house.

There was this one time when Yong Xin and I were walking back home (well, I was on my bike) from Kanna (mamaking with Vincent). Anyways, it was getting pretty late, about 6.45. We were walking up this really long slope, when I suddenly looked out towards the city.

There was this spot by the road (grass patch) where you could see the whole city laid out in front of you.

To be blunt, it was fucking awesome.

The sun was setting then, and the whole city was filled with a reddish hue. I just looked out and stared. It felt really... I don't know. Inspiring I guess. *Yes, I know staring out at the sunset with a guy friend is super gay, but I really didn't have a choice then.

I was addicted since then. I find myself going back to that spot more and more often (almost daily) just to watch the sunset. Then, one day, I was cycling around exploring when I think I just found one of the best spots in Puchong to see the sun set. It's near Yong Xin's house, cept way more uphill. I couldn't believe it, but the view was even more breath taking than the previous one.

Every time I go there to see the sunset, I kept on thinking about stuff. Its so quiet , and everything is just so...beautiful, you can't help but stop and stare.

The past 6 months have been really hard on me, and really crappy. I keep on finding myself attracted to this place because its the only place where I don't think about how bad life has been recently, or how bad I really feel inside.

But I think this isin't really the way I should be acting. This is just doing what I've always been good at doing all this while : escaping. For all the crap I say, for all the times I've said "I'm sick of this shit, and I don't want to do this anymore", I keep on going back. I need closure, something to really break my spirit so I know there is no hope any more.

It kills me, not because we don't spend time together anymore, or that I don't really see you guys anymore. What kills me is that it seems like nobody gives a fuck anymore. I feel as if I'm the only one thats constantly trying to make an effort. As if everybody else just doesn't give a fuck, and are happy the way they are right now. All the outings we've ever had the past few months, its always been me that suggested them. Never once have I heard anybody saying "Eh, lets go out la".

I'm sick of trying to piece back everything together, when they don't care anymore. I'm sick of being this fucking puppy thats hanging on, desperate while they're just fucking shaking me off.

I've always known the phrase "friends forever" is the dumbest thing to say, and only naive people say it. But I honestly never expected us to drift apart so far.

Like I said, I'm sick of thinking about this. But I just can't help it. This whole thing doesn't feel right anymore.

If we ever have a gathering again, I'm not going. I've tried too much, I've stretched myself thin doing all this shit. No more. Its time to move on, and forget about the people that don't even remember you.

*Incidentally, my view about 5 cm per second has changed. I never realized Tohnu smiles at the end. It showed acceptance, and moving on even if it took 10+ years plus for him. Its sad, yet its so real, I can't help but watch it over and over.

Sorry, I've just got to say something about 5 cm per second here. I've just watched it again, and I've felt myself tearing up again.

I've looked at Tohnu over and over again, and I've seen myself reflected back at me the more I watch the movie. The characters might be different, but the theme is the same. It took 20 years for Tohnu to get over her, and you could see it hurt him so much during that period of time. As he grew, he became more and more depressed, until at the very ending ,he was still single, as he could never get over her. Akari on the other hand, had moved on in life, and had gotten married.

Tohnu may have moved on at the very ending, but it was 20 years of pain and loneliness for him. Something I'm not ready to experience.

It was this that made me realize that I'm just hanging on for nothing. But the present seems so bleak, its as if the past is the only thing I have right now. Once that goes crumbling through my fingers, I really don't know where or who else I can run to.

Ear food
One more time, one more chance - Masayoshi Yamazaki. (Theme song for 5 cm per second)

Ciao.