Haha....

I guess my blog has finally become extremely private. I haven't given anybody my password, so I guess I'm finally typing all this out just for one person to read : myself.

And yet, I feel strangely happy about it. No longer do I have inhibitions or fears to write anything I want to, about how I feel, or how emo I am. All this while its been quite uncomfortable for me to bare my soul and feelings to people I don't even trust anymore, and I think this is really a good opportunity for me to just step back , and let everything I'm feeling go.

I've been wondering lately...how would my mind really be like if it could be probed, and given a physical appearance just like in Psychonauts?

Seeing that nobody but me reads this blog anymore, I don't really feel weird saying it anymore

I would think that it would be this vast space, filled with all the things I like, bicycles, playstation, girls....just things that make me happy. I'm guessing the colours would be really bright though, making one smile just by looking at it. My friends would all be there, and pictures (memories) of them strewn around everywhere on the walls, plastering them....pictures of laughter, of smiles among other stuff. That would be the first part, and as one progresses through it, the view would change. It would be filled with views of long winding roads, of beautiful scenes of the city, of sunsets, and all the things I've fell in love with. The sentimental part of me. It would be filled with books I've immersed myself in, and heroes I've looked up to, and the things I've seen in my life. I'm guessing Honey & Clover, 5 cm per second and voices of a distant star would find their place right here. (Lol, I'm such an anime nerd =(.

But as all characters in Psychonauts, there'll always be the dark corner of the mind that we try to keep hidden under the surface, the part where all the memories we're ashamed to show, our deepet and darkest desires.

Mine would be a dark and terrible place.

It would be this really vast isolated place.....like a desert at night. My feelings of loneliness personified. There would be shadows everywhere, and yet whenever one tries to get close to them...they would just disappear, laughing back at you. You would find this one person, curled up in a dark corner, all my insecurities. My fear of being alone, of being not good enough, of becoming the very person I used to look at. He would be too ashamed to look at anybody in the eye, his self esteem too low for him to do anything. There would be dark angry creatures, trying to harm you, my anger at how everything I ever do just screws up. There would be dark shades of purple everywhere, my deep feelings of jealousy towards the people who have succeeded when I have failed no matter how I try.

But I think the biggest part would be the total feeling that nobody's ever there to save you. nobody you can call for help, nobody to hang on to as the world crumbles around you.

Haiz...I'm so sick of suppressing all these emotions. I look so calm and happy all the time, but to be honest, for these past 6 months, all I've ever wanted to do is find somebody I really like and hold on to him/her and cry. To tell the person that I need somebody in my life, that I don't want to spend nights looking out the window crying, hoping that I'll finally find somebody that likes me for who I am.

I know Yong Xin's there for me, but as much as I like him, I really don't think that he's the one who'll save me.

To be honest...I never really got over you guys.

I've been a loser all my life. I hated my primary school. I was like the fucking bully that people hated, yet I imposed myself on them to force them to like me. I truly do regret that now.

I came to secondary school, thinking that life would be better. Form 1 -3 was hell even if I didn't care back then. I was this fucking bastard prefect who would shout at everybody, and when I thought I had found friends when I hung out with Faris and gang, I found out how badly mistaken I was. The truth was, none of them really liked me.

It wasn't until Form 3 when I finally met the chinese gang in my class. I found a home within them , and I loved my life. I didn't know how to act around them, so I pushed them away. Truth was, I needed them badly. For all their faults and idiocy, I love them from the bottom of my heart. I love them for accepting me, for making me feel that I could finally find people that I enjoyed spending time with. For once in my life, I didn't need to worry what they thought about me.

Everytime I try to think back about the memories we had, I can never pinpoint out a single memory or time we had together. All I can ever remember is their individual faces, all smiling and laughing. They were my world, the only one I've felt happy in.

Through them, I found the person I wanted to be. I made tons of other friends, I found myself doing things that I've always wanted to do, but was afraid to do for fear of other people laughing at me.

My world came crumbling down 6 months ago. I'm shocked that just because we don't study in the same area anymore, the bonds I had thought were as strong as steel just dissolved until they were thing strings of cotton. The only one I still have is Yong Xin.

I'm sick of always being the person who has to contact them, and say hi, and talk. If I don't, I'll never hear from them. I got sick of this. Now? I'm just numb. I want to be with them again , but I think I've accepted the fact that well....I won't see them anymore. I've given up hope. My pride stop me from talking and contacting them again. Example, that day when Madhu called me out for a movie, and Jason called me out too, I would have gladly followed Jason....but pride stopped me. I hated these meetings, because they reminded me how scarce we see each other now. I still miss them a lot...but I think time really has gone on too long.

Things never will be the same again.

Everytime I get depressed about these things, I watch 5 cm per second. It reminds me that I need to accept that things are over, and move on. I cried when I saw Takaki like that, because I saw myself in him. And I was so scared that I would end up like him, ever chasing the past, blind to the present. I loved the ending of the movie, it was so real....it was exactly how things were going for me. Akari had forgotten Takaki (at least she had moved on) but Takaki never could....and it had killed him.

Another quote I felt connected to was the one in his other films "She and Her Cat" One line really resounded with me....and I'll end this post with it.

"Somebody...somebody save me"....

I'm really really lonely. I cycle to escape these feelings that engulf me. I want to laugh again, to smile again, and to feel wanted again.

The only world I can see right now is a really dark one. I hate college, I hate the people. I just want to be with you guys again.

....somebody save me.