Sigh

It's actually pretty depressing to find that my joke posts (which have, sadly, become a rarity, and are actually drowning under all that depressing shit I'm writing. Pray for their lost funny souls) get comments, while the rest of my "serious" posts get a grand total of....zero.

Unless I get lucky, and Ari-the-great-one decides to bless me with a few choice words of advice, such as

When I said I've got leg muscles made of jelly, and needed to train, Ari came up with the monumental idea (almost as enlightening to The Question to Life, which, by the way, is 42) that I *get ready for it* cycle downhill.

I had to sit down in my room for a few moments to digest such epic truth.

So anyway, been reading a lot of stuff on the internet (yes, it's not only for porn. Surprised? Me too.)

And I've decided to come up with my very own guide on how to be pretentious. And if you don't know what pretentious means, you phail at life, and please jump off a bridge and die. Preferably somewhere far far away so the death of your meaningless existence shall not cause a disturbance in the stream of collective OMFG PRETENTIOUS OVERLOAD. Just go look it up. =D

Let's start shall we.

Step 1 - DON'T EVER LISTEN TO POP. Every single pop songs is epic phail, and is so meaningless and fed only to all the sheeple (sheep + people) who only like shallow music. Continuously rant about how rap and dance music is extremely meaningless, and degrades the music industry. Of course, the only acceptable form of music is classical music. Now, the proper step in doing this, is of course, to look up incredibly obscure and sophisticated sounding names such as "Intermezzo Sinfonico" by Mascagni. Now when you hear anybody talking about music, barge in, ask in a loud snobby voice "So have you heard of Intermezzo Sinfonico?"

"...no?" *Important : Make sure your eyes bulge in outrage as if these worthless scum have no right to listen to any music if they haven't heard of Mascagni* Then go onto a long nice rant about how classical music is so under appreciated and how today's people are so shallow with their pop.

If this doesn't make the opposite sex swoon over your apparent intellect, fear not, there are a few more fail-safe steps.

Step 2 : Use nice long words in your day to day conversations. Now, how do you go about this? Buy a dictionary, start flipping through until you find your perfect long sophisticated sounding word, and start using it. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHETHER YOU USE IT IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT OR NOT, because the masses will be afraid to look like idiots and just nod along with you even if they don't understand a single word. Here's an example.

Person A : Hey, how was your weekend?
Pretentious wanna-be : Well, I personally found it exemplary. I pondered on the very existentialism of the human spirit, and how embaffling (this is not a real word) our society has become, that our collective minds cannot cross the chasm of complete oneness to emerge as a taciturn (actual word, wrong context, but hey who cares? Person A will NOT tell you it's wrong) superbeing.
Person A : *Nods vigorously*

Step 3 : Read all the classics. Better yet, just read reviews and summaries about all the classics. Saves you the time, and yet, you still appear incredibly intelligent. Double-win! Or even better-better yet, instead of letting someone else ask you about classics that you have read, turn the tables on him/her! Take the initiative, and ask "So, have you read *obscure classic book*?" Pray to god that he/she has not, then launch into detailed (if completely bullshit and made up) summary of it, and then proceed to ponder on it's themes about life and human beings. If he/she has read it, you can quickly cover up by saying "Oh, wow, you must be really well read! So have you read *quickly think of some other random obscure classic*?" Rinse and repeat until you hit the jackpot.

3 easy and extremely simple steps to be pretentious. Obviously, the perfect places to practice these things to make you look intelligent is in pubs and the local market nearby, as chances are nobody will have read them (or are particularly interested in conversations about these) and congratulations! You have now made yourself look incredibly intelligent, and the opposite sex will be swooning all over you.

Puff that chest out in pride mate.

Of course, I have forgotten one step to ultimate pretentiousness.

Step 4 : Be Jon Chin.

Sigh. When will the self-derogatory humour end. =(

Ciao.

Ear food -
Father - Joe Hisashi (Departures OST)
Ave maria okuribito - Joe Hisashi (Departures OST)

Oh good god, Departures was. so. awesome.