GEEK OUT!

Sigh. Busy week.

Went out a few times, had the amali and undang classes, and went to mum's shop to help.

Damn it. I thought during the holidays, I would finally be able to sit down and think. Now, it's just like when I was in secondary school or college, being dragged along the current day by day. It's day after day after day of things to do, places to go. I hate it. It's like this wave that sweeps you along with it, and all you can do is try to keep your head up above the water.

One special event I want to blog about was yesterday. Went out with my cousin to the curve to hang out. Damn, it was like this serious breath of fresh air for me....This was definitely not my typical "Lunch - movie - walk around outing". He's an absolute geek like me, and we ended up going to all the sci fi and anime/manga shops in the curve. It was a fucking blast I tell you. I could finally be me.

I could finally talk about warhammer 40k. I could talk about manga, and dystopian novels, and how lonely it is not to have anybody else to talk these things about. I could go on and on about the lore behind the Dune universe, and not be met with blank stares or looks of boredom, or worse, the classic "Wtf is wrong with you nerd" look. I could talk about Sid Meier, I could talk about Rule #34.

Suffice to say, I was a happy boy yesterday. We sat at Starbucks, and talked. Oh god, how we talked. It was an hour and half of 1984, of Brave New World, of furry fandom, of WoW lore, of embrace your geekness day, of Parasyte, of books, of drugs.

Normally when I'm with somebody I'm not too close with, I struggle to find conversational topics. It did not happen yesterday. The one thing I was struck by was how openly and unashamed my cousin was of being a geek. I've been constantly fighting this geeky side of me. I've felt that maybe I was a loser for enjoying all these (or a weirdo for liking these as my friends call me). But after yesterday, it's made me realize... I'm happy embracing this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to fuck up my social life by suddenly acting out as Brother Captain Uriel in front of my non-geek friends. But...I'm okay with being a geek. I'm okay with liking Warhammer40k, with actually thinking cosplay is pretty cool, with wanting to get involved with table top gaming.

There's always this one incident I can remember. I was at MidValley with a couple of friends, and we walked into the comic store (which also has table top gaming) and a couple of dudes were playing Warhammer 40K table top. They were RP-ing (role playing) and I thought "Hey, those guys are looking like they're having fun". My friends, upon seeing this, said "Let's get out of here. The nerd atmosphere is stiffling (well not the exact words but I'm just rephrasing)"

I'm not implying that I don't like going out with people and watching movies and what not. This Monday was Pranav's birthday, and we went to KLCC to watch Obsessed. It was a blast, especially seeing that I haven't seen all the people for a week or so. It was fun, just chilling out and laughing. I'm just saying that I need a balance of these 2. I've been constantly complaining to my friends (Vincent and Pranav being a few of them) that my routine of movies and staying at home and lunch and what not has become unbearably mundane. I cannot envision myself constantly geeking out as well, though, cause that would be boring as hell. I guess I just want a healthy mix of both.

Maybe 1 reason I could relate to my cousin so much was because...he has went through the same things I have. I won't say what it is, but let's just say that I thought I was done with it...but it leaves a scar on you that you'll never really recover from. I'm a different person than I was from before I entered college, and after. I think the pre-college me would be happy now, the going out and what not....The post-college me would be ashamed of my pre-college self. I constantly think of this quote when I think about this experience,

"And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. You will bleed. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about"

It was this great relief to find somebody who's went through the same thing as me, and could relate. It felt as if I had gained the strength to go on. (Dramatic, yes, but then again, my writing style does lean to the melodramatic side)

This might sound a bit weird, but when friends tell me about their problems, and they're feeling like shit, I can't help but look at them and think "....We're all just trying to live this life. All these experiences..these happy ones, these sad one...we're all just living". I know, random (and some might even say emo =p) but I can't help it. Maybe it's this grin-and-bear-it stance I have.

Sigh. Ciao.

Ear Food
Ashes of the Heart - Original composition (Youtube it)
Mr Curiosity - Jason Mraz

Awesome Reads
Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman - Haruki Murakami (Favourite stories, Shinigawa Monkey, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman, Tony Takitani, Folklore for my generation)

Murakami and Joe Hisaishi, you guys are geniuses. Let me worship the ground you walk on please.