My blog's reopened

Lol.

It's back. I closed this blog down for a while ,because I was having some really serious issues I needed to resolve (internal issues about myself). I did not feel comfortable posting it out for the world to see. One might argue that I changed my blog url only, thus, internet savvy people who actually cared enough might have clicked on my profile, and looked up my new url.

To that I say, bullshit. Nobody in the right mind does that. Hell, if my friend told me he was closing his blog temporarily, that would be one of the last things I would do.

But anyway, I'm not going to post what I went through. I've just got to say however, that I feel like I'm happier now. It felt like I was coming to terms with myself.

So. Today was packed full of stuff that I find very memorable.

First things off, its the exams. A level exams, thus, equate to quarantine hours spent in a crowded classroom with extreme noise levels and immense hunger due to the lack of food. I've always planned out my studies so that I can cover some of my other subjects during quarantine time, but it always goes to waste. Seriously, quarantine has got to be one of the most hilarious and funniest times during the exams. So there I was , sitting with Pranav and Chew and Piriya, when Pranav started asking "Eh, what's your nickname going to be?" (nicknames are used for orientation of the new batch) Without thinking, I said pussy magnet. As usual, this led to screams of mocking laughter, sarcasm , and threats to start screaming out what I said to the people around us. But the funny part was, when Pranav asked Chew the same question, and he promptly replied

"pussy magnet". (Chew didn't know what my reply was)

LOL. Wtf. Coincidence? More like perverted minds think alike =D

Quarantine after Chemistry Practical was equally hilarious. Spent about 2 hours laughing like mad about all the stupid dirty porn stories with Dennis and the other guys. It led to ,disturbingly, increasingly personal details about self love (the erotic type), of circumcision, of ureters, and of skin disease on certain parts (...my god. this was so horrible. I practically cried laughing when I heard about this).

So much for my studying.

But anyway, one thing that really struck me today was when I was in the library sitting with a bunch of classmates, and I was commenting on the people from the new batch, who were all in the library studying. This led to this line that really hit me (from Pranav, who else, that lil asshole)

"yeah well, it took one whole term for Mr Chin to realize that there were other people in the college as well"

The thing was, I wasn't offended. I could see that he was smiling and laughing, and that it was all meant as a joke. So i just replied with a usual sarcastic remark, and laughed it off.

But that's the thing. I laughed it off. To be brutally honest, if this were me the past year, I would have taken this pretty badly. But now, I feel like things are so much better. For one, I knew that he was just playing around with me, and I knew him well enough that I knew there wasn't anything mean in that sentence, just the usual friendly teasing stuff I get from him.

It felt like I was acknowledging that well, fuck. Yes, I was that way in the past. But I've changed.

And it felt so good. Because now, college is actually something I look forward to daily. Sure, there are crap times, but there are so many fun times too. I've found people that I like hanging out with, and eating lunch, or bullshitting or what not.

And it was just such a sudden realization, that all this while, I had been so full of insecurities, and low self esteem. The moment I started 2009, I told myself, fuck it, you're not going to do this anymore. To be honest, I'm glad I did this.

It took such a big change, to be dumped into a new environment, to realize that well, fuck. What the fuck am I doing? I entered college with a big amount of relunctance, and I think one of the reasons was because I was just so afraid of how things would turn out.

And unsurprisingly, if you come in expecting the worst, you usually get it. I used to not want to meet new people. But now, I don't know, it's actually something I look forward to. Besides, its easier if the more you do it.

And one of the big things I've learnt is well, you can't have everybody like you. If you spend so much time worrying who likes you or not, you're wasting your time.

Which is why, I have thus adapted this motto.

Fuck it.

Seriously. When i have inhibitions, or I"m scared to do something due to rejection, I'll take a second off, look me straight in the eye (internally la), and tell myself, Fuck it. When I start thinking about all the painful memories, or what certain people think of me, I'll stop. I'll stop thinking, stop inflicting any more pointless emotional pain on myself, and say "Fuck it." Then I let go of whatever's holding me back, and just do it.

And what a world of difference it's made. I can't gurantee (and I seriously doubt it) that everybody likes me.

It'll suck to know if somebody doesn't, but hey, fuck it. You can't please everybody.

Great opening to 2009.

*I can't wait for OB. It's going to be fucking fantastic.

** and yes, I swear like a fucking sailor. Sue me.