Very very very very long post. You have been warned.

Be warned. Great Wall of China Text coming up. I'm particularly inspired.

Let's get the diary part over first.

Its holidays!

One month of fun and going out and..

Wait. My exams are in January. I've got student council crap to do. American colleges to apply (this has got to be the worst thing to do in the world. Teacher evaluations? Great. Just what I need) There goes happy fun time. ==

Just sat for SATS recently. Fucking nonsense. 75 fucking questions in 1 hour. Physics questions! Who the fuck does 75 questions in a hour. Did I mention, no calculators? Idiots.

Another major thing was me going to Prince for food testing. Oh. My. Fucking. God. The food there is FUCKING (yes, it must be in capitals to state its awesomeness) fucking awesome. And it was free! =D Had a seriously good time there. I love the people in the council I tell you. Individually, they may not be the funniest or interesting people to hang out with, but when we all come together. Madness ensues. Eu Nice screaming and going crazy, Mark being hilariously sarcastic with his eyes wide open, Gabriel making some lame ass joke (silence, followed by all of us laughing at him), Pranav making fun of everybody, Shonna and Carmen laughing and trying to bring some semblance of sense among us, me making fun of people(and being laughed at a LOT. Apparently, I'm the weirdest person they know) and Joanna occasionally screaming and getting excited. Like I said, I think we're really good as a team. One thing I came to realize about teamwork is, unless you guys know , and really like each other, you'll never function as a team. Surprisingly enough, I love the meetings. They're mad cap, filled with screaming and laughter, and yet, somehow, we manage to get things done.

On to deeper stuff.

I've been reading and watching quite a lot of things recently.

I got my hands on "Its not about the bike : My journey back to life" and "Every second counts" by Lance Armstrong (He's a cyclist in case you didn't know). I've watched Sweet Rain, re watched 5 cm Per Second, re-watched the whole series of Honey and Clover, and read Solanin (A really really good manga. Its about a bunch of 25-year olds, stuck in between adolescence and adulthood, finding their own way and meaning through life, no matter how mediocre life can be). And it's made me think a lot.

There's one quote that stuck to me. "There are no easy answers - spend too much time wondering about the meaning of life and you forget how to live." It just felt so right. It's what I've thought about so often, as I have constantly stated in my blog. I write so much about life and what not, I'm worried sometimes that I've forgotten how to live it. Its the same things with friendships. There are times, when all I want to do is talk with friends about what we are in life ,and where we're heading and all. But I understand, that friendship is not that. It's not constantly talking about the meaning of friendship, about why we're friends and what not. Its about being friends. Its about hanging out, enjoying each other's company, laughing, teasing, and just plain having fun. Through all this, you grow to love and trust someone. You realize that well, this is the person I know I can trust and that I love. Sure, there are times where we indulge in deep discussions, philosophy, and what not. And I cherish those moments. But its a big reminder for me, that it's pointless talking about the bond between friends. It's something that is cultivated through time, trust and love, not words.

And maybe that's why, even after a whole year, I still miss my Seksyen 3 friends. (Yes, I'm aware that some of you read my blog). I like my college friends, but that doesn't mean I don't miss my old ones. Vincent, Yong Xin, Foo Zhuk, Wye Lup, Jason, Eugene, Yee Yan, Sai Hoong, Mun Fai, all my classmates. I miss you guys. I know this sounds incredibly incredibly gay, but I love you guys. You meant a lot to me, and still do. I do not cherish the idea of meeting new people, and having lots and lots of friends. I love having a few friends who are incredibly close to me. The people in my college are awesome though. Curly, Ian, Chee Yip, Joseph Ling, Ka Hui, Rayna...the list goes on. Awesome people that I like. These are the people who have shaped me to the person I am today, and I'm grateful for that. Life and dreams are nothing with out people to share them with. I'm not into all that Best Friends , or Friends Forever things cause they seem so shallow. I don't need words or stupid phrases to reaffirm my emotions towards them.

And there's this phrase too "Answers? There are no answers. All that matters is that you try and try, until your heart's content". I personally feel there's so much truth in this. I've always wanted to take this trip around Malaysia, or preferably UK. There's this song by Staind, "Outside" with the following lyrics.

I'm on the outside
I'm looking in
I can see through you

People always wonder why I feel the need to travel around to evaluate myself. I feel that I need to take a step back, out of this circle of routine and monotony I have settled in to, and take a close look at myself. I do not think I can do that while I'm stuck in the same routine day in day out.

But, then again, what answers can I find? You don't ask a question like "What I am in this world? What is it that I want to do?", go riding or whatever, and come back with a solid answer. This isin't Maths we're doing. But, I think it matters that we try. I do not think that by going on this trip, I'll ever find out who I am, or what is the meaning of my existence. How do you answer those questions? You just can't. There aren't answers anyway. But I want to do it. I want to look inside, and ask myself those questions. I want to ride, to feel the wind in my face, to enjoy the scenery and feel peace. I want to try, and try, and try, until I'm content. And maybe then, for all that I've experienced, I'll finally find peace within myself. I'll be satisfied that I tried, and there maybe no answers, but to know that I tried, that I was never content with living some stupid shallow life with wealth and what not the primary goal. I think I'll finally be happy then.

Incidentally, I really really like movies and anime/manga that deal with real life subjects that we deal with everyday. Bleach and Naruto and what not, while still fairly interesting, just isin't enough for me anymore. I constantly crave for something deeper. Maybe that's why I like Honey and Clover, 5 cm per second, Solanin, Saikano, books like those by Lance Armstrong, or Brave New World, or Dune, or most of the stuff like that. They make me think and comtemplate. Corny as it sounds, there's a lot of stuff to be learn from them. Which is why I can never understand all the hate and prejudice that comes with it. Here is a very typical conversation I have :

Friend : Jon, you watch Honey and clover? *laughs* You damn gay la.
Jon : Ma chao hai. Fuck you man.

or

Friend : Well, at least I'm not the Honey and Clover/5 cm per second emo fag like someone I know.
*Me giving piercing stare* : Screw you asshole.

Maybe there is something wrong with a guy liking all these sort of stuff. Almost everybody I know, hates all these stuff. Its boring, and whatnot. I don't know. I just can't take any more nonsense like those stupid mass-marketed action movies (like Transporter. Went to watch it today. It fucking sucks balls) or overhyped manga like Naruto and Bleach. It all seems incredibly shallow to me. That, or I'm a sissy fag who likes to be emo. Most of the people I hang out with think I'm the 2nd option, so meh. =D

And this reminds me of this conversation I had with my friend today while we were in a comic store in Midvalley. There were people all around role-playing Warhammer 40k (a table top game) and general geekiness. So my friend shot me this look, and said "Let's get out of here. The geek vibe is cramping my style" =D He then proceeded to tell me about this bunch of geeks in his college that loved anime and what not. They were constantly made fun of and what not. I just laughed along, but inside I felt like crap. (By the way, this guy and me, we're so fucking different, I wonder sometimes how we became friends. But still, I like him, and though I'm apparently a "geek" to him, we still hang out =D Rock on Dinesh/Humpy)

I think , just because one person's life choices do not fit the general public's mould, they should be ostracized and made fun of? I think its stupid. So what if somebody liked golf, or liked tucking in his shirts, or liked studying? It made me realize that all this while , all I ever did was focus on the thing I hated about people. But, to spend so much time just focusing on the bad things, where would we find the time to see the good side of them?

Thats why I decided, I'm done. I'm done insulting people, I'm done making fun of people who don't fit the mould. I'm done. I know, its something thats easier said than done, but I want to try my best to do that. It took me a plunge from the top, to wallow at the bottom, to know how bad it feels. And that feeling, it's not something that I would wish onto anybody that I hated. It's worse than physical pain. Physical pain, you can grit it out, teeth clenched, and it'll go away. But the pain of alienation? You feel depressed, that there's no more hope for you, that the future is so bleak. You ask yourself, whats wrong with me? Am I really that unlikable? That guy is so much worse than me, but he still has friends? You start hating the world. You push things away, You become numb to the pain. But the worst part is the hope. The hope deep within you, the one smothered by experiences of humiliation, of loneliness, or the countless the times you felt you're heart sink. You hope, you desperately hope for someone to come save you. And the cycle continues, until you feel like lying down and dying, so that the pain would stop. It's horrible, and I hope I don't play any part in that of inflicting that on people.

Which....also brings me to my final part of the post (God, it's long. Congratulations to you, oh mighty reader, for having the preserverance to read on for so long. You are now t3h epic win)

God.

I no longer believe in any of the organized religions. I don't find the inspiration or the will to. Countless people have tried persuading and what not, but I just don't believe in it anymore. People say that without religion, there's no purpose to life.

Excuse me, but purpose to life? You're purpose in life is that God made you , and you're serving him? That you must accumulate good deeds, and everything so that you will enter heaven? That you're a mere puppet, being controlled by God, so that everything you do is influence by him?. You tell me what's the purpose to a life like that.

I refuse to believe that anything I do is influenced by god. I believe, that the situation is akin to you and those ant-tanks (you know, a box filled with soil, and you grow you're own ant colony). There's some sort of energy (God, if you will.) that created the universe. You know, all matter. The laws of physics and what not. I believe that energy created the first life forms. But my life? It is not in the control of this energy. My action, and subsequent results and effects, are not dictated by this "energy" or God. Its the same situation as you and the ant tank. Sure, you provide the environment, provide the general food for everybody, and put in the first ant queen. But do you take care of the individual needs of the ants? You don't. You don't hold an ant, and bring it places, feed it food and what not. You just don't. You provide the food in general, and whether a particular ant gets it, or how it gets it, is of no concern to you. I feel that way. Everything I have achieved (or have not) , is due to the actions of the me and the people around me. I got straight A's, not because God had his hand on me. It was because I studied. Don't believe it? Try not studying, and then praying. I would love to see how God still has his hand on you then. I am what I am, because of my decisions, and the influence and actions of the people around me. I don't mean to offend anyone, its just my own views on religion. There's this saying by Lance Armstrong,

"I asked myself what I believed. I had never prayed a lot. I hoped hard, I wished hard, but I didn't pray. I had developed a certain distrust of organized religion growing up, but I felt I had the capacity to be a spiritual person, and to hold some fervent beliefs. Quite simply, I believed I had a responsibility to be a good person, and that meant fair, honest, hardworking, and honorable. If I did that, if I was good to my family, true to my friends, if I gave back to my community or to some cause, if I wasn't a liar, a cheat, or a thief, then I believed that should be enough. At the end of the day, if there was indeed some Body or presence standing there to judge me, I hoped I would be judged on whether I had lived a true life, not on whether I believed in a certain book, or whether I'd been baptized. If there was indeed a God at the end of my days, I hoped he didn't say, "But you were never a Christian, so you're going the other way from heaven." If so, I was going to reply, "You know what? You're right. Fine."

And it makes sense. If I were to go to heaven, I hope its because I was a good person in life. I made people happy, I gave love, and received love, showed kindness and understanding, and affected the people in my life positively. Not because I believed in a book, or because I had accumulated good and bad karma, or what not.

Finally, the end of the post! =D. Sorry, I really had the inspiration to write. Meh. I doubt many would come this far down the post. Personally, I wouldn't. But hey, thanks for reading =D

Ear Food :

Outside - Staind
Waltz - Spitz
Sakitama - rin
White America - Eminem
When the Music Stops - Eminem
Everybody's Fool - Evanescence.

Good Reads / Watches : (Yes, new section =D)
Its not about the bike : My journey back to life - Lance Armstrong
Every second counts - Lance Armstrong
5 cm per second
Honey and clover (PM me if you want this)
Solanin - www.onemanga.com
She and her Cat - Youtube this. Makoto Shinkai.
White Fang, Dune, Dune Messiah, Brave New World, Animal Farm, The Running Man, The Longest Walk - All these are novels, get them from www.truly-free.org

Ciao.