College Life

*Long serious post. j00 has been warned =)*

Its been 10 months since I've stepped into college.

I know I've said this before, but it's been a roller coaster ride the whole way through. I can go through incredibly happy moments one time, then experience sad crappy moments.

It's weird to say this at such a young age, but I think I've grown up quite a lot. I've learnt so much (Not academically) about myself, and the world around me.

I've learnt what a fucking bastard I can be, turning into the bullies that I once hated. I realize now, how wrong it is, and I'm not going to do it anymore. I feel sick to the core doing it to somebody who has done no wrong to me just because my friends are laughing at him, succumbing to the peer pressure to laugh along and jeer at him. If it was somebody whom I hated, then well, while I wouldn't say it would be right, it'd be understandable. I am sorry for the pain I've caused. I won't stop the others though, if they want to laugh or have fun, I have no right to stop them. I do know I won't do it anymore though.

I've realized that well...being the best in everything you are involved in isn't the most important thing in the world. Back in secondary school, I used to care whether I had the most friends, or if I had the most girls liking me, or if I was the smartest. It took a fall to the bottom to realize yeah well...if I'm not, so what? I won't lie and say that I wouldn't want myself to be at the top of the ladder, but I've realized...that, well, there truly is no point in being unhappy if your not. People are always chasing for that dream, and to be honest, the pain and everything isn't worth it anymore. I don't mean to sound like I've lost my competitive edge, because I haven't, but I've just realized that all of this seems so trivial compared to the amount of pain and unhappiness you go through being jealous of the one on top. It took a very very long time, but I'm content (fairly at least) with where I am on the ladder, and well, if I'm on top, good for me. If not, hell, why should I get worked up?

....and the most painful lesson for me to bear. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I spent my first few months in college pining for my old life back. Where were the faces that I knew so well, and who knew me too? Where was the feeling of security and love I felt when I was in Seksyen 3? Why were there no more friendly smiles there I knew, no more mutual understanding, no more inside jokes? Why did all my laughter sound so hollow...why did I have to keep on re watching 5 cm per second, because it reflected my personality : An inability to move on. I felt that I didn't like any single person in my college, that I'd just have to suffer it for 1 and a half years, and I'll leave this damn place. I was bitter at my old friends, astonished that we had all just split apart like that.

It was only 3/4 through my first term that I wondered...why? Why must I go through so much pain? Why was I o unwilling to let the ghosts of my pasts go? .... It took me so long to come to the realization...that my old life was over. It been half a year since then, and I've come to terms with myself. I'm enjoying college life immensely now, with the dudes I've grown to really like, and all the crazy things we say and do. The feeling of familiarity is coming back again, and while this is something I could never envision myself saying 10 months ago, I'll truly be sad to leave this college, and all the people here that mean a lot to me. It's about 7 more months here, and I'm gone.

And here's an apology to all my old school friends who still read my blog...you guys know who you are. I was so bitter in the first few months, I ended up being frustrated and pissy most of the time. I regret that now. It's just the nature of life. We all drift apart, if only due to distance, and its only natural that we go our separate paths in life. Memories are meant to be cherished and kept close to the heart, not held desperately in the hand, trying to rekindle a dying flame. I still enjoy the monthly (or twice a month) outings that we have (more like weekly meetings with Yong Xin, but still) and well... let's not let them die off.

It's strange how you meet so many different personalities in college. You meet those you look up to, those who seem so strong and self assured, or those who are introverted and shy.

Like I said, it's been a roller coaster ride. While it may not be the ideal college life I was expecting, I can't say I'm disappointed. It's a roller coaster ride the whole way. I love it when the good times come, but yeah well, I'll just go through those crappy times. It's hard, but I've learned to sit back and ... well, enjoy/endure the ride.

Ciao.

(Ah, I've been rewatching 5 cm per second at least 20-25 times liao. I've fallen so deeply in love with this anime. The music...the background...the very real human emotions that are conveyed in the movie. Something so down to earth, so relevant to my life, it might as well have been a page out of my book of life. I teared up during the first few times (hell, it was a full out cry on the first), but the more I watch it, the more the theme of hope springs out. It's not so depressing anymore, at any rate.

Joseph, I know you don't read this blog, but I can't believe you don't like the 3rd chapter! Madness I tell you.

Jon out.